HALF OF MY HEART

Im in a "season" of life where things are gettin tough. no job, no direction at the moment, no motivation, no idea what the heck is next. Im in middle land... I know what I can do if I'm here... and I know what I can do if I'm not here. I have another proposed 2-3 months left in a place that I love too much.

but i'm in a pickle. cause there's this other place that I love too. i have two loves. that can't be good. and the blog title/john mayer says it all...

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends

Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been

Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing

Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

Oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation

Half of my heart takes time

Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you

That I can't keep loving you

Oh, with half of my heart

I was made to believe i'd never love somebody else

I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself

Lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came

Showing me a better way and all that my love can bring

Oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation

Half of my heart takes time

Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you

That I can't keep loving you

Oh, with half of my heart

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination

Half of my heart's got you

Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you

That half of my heart won't do

TO BE CONTINUED...

these grey walls...

its been bothering me lately that i'm just not comfortable in my room. my room is has always been the place I can go to and relax and be myself and do what i want. talk to God whenever and ponder life. but it seems like no matter what i do.. this room just has that uhh/eerie feeling to it. like nothing i do or buy makes it any "homier" (that may not a real word) it just feels awkward and quiet all the time. which is weird.. but since i've been in australia and lived in 5 different places with totally different people each time.. I have found that I like being alone but with people around. if that makes any sense. I like living in a house where there are always people there, coming in and out doing there thing.. so when I feel like being around people I can be, but when I wanna get away I can go to my room and be alone but still hear it all going on. it makes me feel at home and comfortable. but here.. because its always quiet and no one is really around i just feel this awkward silence.. even between me and God. its like I dont know where to begin or something haha. and when I stop talking its just awkward again. I dont know. 

I bought a nice comfy chair from ikea and have a stool to put my feet up, so I can relax and read or think. I have a desk and chair where i can do work or be on my computer. I have a comfy bed with nice warm bedding, a night table, book stand, with things on them, and pictures on the walls and a closet FULL of clothes.. and while it all helps and adds.. that feeling hasn't left. 

I feel like my room is the one place I can go to, to get away and talk to God but it is now the last place I want to do that. Also funny cause He seems to be speaking to me more when I go out and spend time with people, or people watching or just in things that happen outside my cozy little room. I'm thinking maybe He is trying to show me that He really IS everywhere, and will go with me and talk to me anywhere.. not just when I'm alone in my room reading my bible. That He is ALIVE and all around me, and wants to be a part of everything in my life. I mean, I knew all that.. but its different when you actually get a revelation to it. when your eyes are opened to the truth and you can't deny it. 

I have to admit, Ive been doing alot of working and sleeping and facebook and going through the motions and I tell you... is it ever the opposite of fulfilling. but this weekend I made a choice to get out and do things no matter how tired or how much I felt like staying home. I worked hard all week and was so tired on friday after work that I almost backed out of going to a play in the city cause I could hardly stand up anymore. but I went and had the best time! hung out with some great people and we laughed til we couldn't anymore.. seriously. the next day (even though i was still tired) I kept my commitment to go take a dance class in the city and it was THE BEST class i've ever taken. God opened my eyes to how alive I feel when I'm dancing and totally confirmed in me that dancing is what I was created for. It brings me indescribable joy, like I've never felt and I believe that when we get that feeling.. its a sign that it is a gift from God.  I still don't know exactly what He wants me to do with it.. but I actually- for once- don't mind. I'm just glad I know that it is right. I'm really happy and content with life. I'm reading this amazing book called "living as an ordinary radical" by shane claiborne and it changes my life everyday. I've been asking God about life and what its all about and get this- when I give Him a chance to talk.. He actually answers. I'm getting it.. and it feels so good... and right. Its different... but nice to not care about what's next or what the future holds.. I just don't care right now. I just want to be here and doing whatever it is I'm really supposed to be doing. (thats my next question) 

anyways.. my point is that God surprises me everyday. He is NOT what we think He is. He does not think like us, act like us or live in the little grey box we put him in. (ex.. my room)

HE IS EVERYWHERE AND NEVER RUNS OUT. and its awesome to know that when humans dont cut it (which is ok cause we aren't perfect) that there is someone who does. His name is Jesus.. and no matter how crappy I am.. He is always my best friend. The great thing is He shows up in everything and will use anything to show His love.. no matter where it is.

Gloria Jean

I just got a job at Gloria Jeans about two weeks ago. (for those of you that don't know.. its a coffee franchise..Australia's Starbucks) I had a friend working there and she knew I had been struggling to get a job and that I really wanted to work at a coffee shop. I guess they needed someone really bad so she referred me and next thing I know I'm hired and working my first shift. Its so great cause I feel really at home and that I'm learning quickly. It doesn't feel like work because I love coffee and want to know everything. Plus everyone is really nice, helpful and encouraging. I already love working there and today was only my fourth shift. Time flies by and I get a free coffee every shift. (bonus) anyway..being in a far away country away from real family, I dont get many warm, fuzzy family moments... but this definitely makes the cut..

it was only my second shift and there were 4 of us working at the tiny little shop in the business centre where it is located. the guy working was teaching me something about drinks, another girl doing her thing and my manager pops her head around the corner and says "hey what are your favorite drinks?" we all were like uhhh and named them off... she smiled and dissapeared again. I was wondering what was going on but I just kept on doing what I was doing. Hours went by and it was the end of my shift, Rick made me my coffee and as I grabbed it off the counter I looked up and realized she had put up a sign that read:

"know your barista's favorite drinks" 

and there second from the bottom was...

Richelle- carmelatte

I felt kinda stupid cause I picked THE most boring, average drink but I left with a perma smile because for the first time I've been here I have felt like I was a part of something, a new family- (outside of church and dance) and thanked God that He made me wait 4 months just so i could get this exact job, be working that exact shift and read that sign at that exact moment. THAT my friends... is a God of Love.

Jeremiah 29:11 (the message) 

I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. 

I love God's little surprises He has for me everyday. When you start to realize its actually Him, it makes knowing Him that much sweeter. I feel special and cared for because of all the little things He does for me. I know that story was kinda lame... but feel the love people. He loves us. 

mhmm

Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me

reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you
for you

and I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light

i was gonna write tonight. cause its been a while. but i just didn't feel like it. lots to say... all the time.. but just can't get it down. maybe my mind likes to keep all my thoughts and ideas inside.. cause it knows the words i write wont justify the things that happen to me, the things i see and think and wonder. i wish sometimes i could press record in my mind and it would print out a blog for me. cause its really good. sometimes. i have lots of mini thoughts that just dont ever seem to form one big idea. or enough to write a blog. maybe i'll just start writing one liners in here. but then i may as well just get twitter already haha. i find trying in blogs unattractive, but then not caring at all always seems to look like trying... even worse than actual trying. so i dont know. gimme a couple days. for the few (or two) that actually read this... that have probably stopped cause i haven't posted something in a month or so. try and stick with me. 

i got in my car tonight and got this song in my head. (see above) that happens alot. thats how i choose what i listen to. first song that comes to my mind when i get in my car. tonight it was let it all out by relient k. i love it and its almost too perfect for whats going on in my life right now. (aka. GOD) I love Him. He's like my personal DJ. 

ps. dont skim through the words. its actually good. and meaningful. and could be for you. and its not a lazy post. it started out as one but it isn't now. :)

Smelly Seasons

It is now "fall" here in Australia.. and I find it quite backwards to be honest. I mean.. ok Christmas in summer was BACKWARDS... but I stepped outside today feeling like I was back in Canada on the first day of autumn. but autumn in april? hmmmm.

there is something about the chill in the air that I enjoy soo much. I hate it.. cause just when I stop missing home, I smell something familiar and I'm ruined. Today was one of those days. and again I'm reminded how amazing God is... that just from one smell a life of memories come flooding back. How cool is that? That I can be halfway across the world and still remember EXACTLY how it feels to be back in Canada, on my farm, playing outside, in the barn with mom, in the shed watching dad work on something, at grammas, in school, at dance competitions and the list goes on. And the feeling is almost better than when it actually happened.  

I keep crying.. lamo, i know.. but its like.. as much as my childhood sucked at times.. it was SO AWESOME. I loved it and wish so much I could go back and do it a million times over. and i'm not just saying this because I feel like right now being an adult sucks.. but just cause I genuinely loved my childhood. memory is such a great gift.. and I'm so thankful for it. Whenever I'm feeling down I just think back to something and then another thing and another thing and I just laugh. anyways.. rabbit trail. So we just had daylights savings.. which again is so weird cause its April. And it gets dark here at like 5. And its getting colder instead of warmer haha.. But I was driving tonight and I was all the sudden in the christmas spirit and felt like I was in Calgary or Saskatoon going christmas shopping. It made me want to wear boots and a big jacket, and earlier when I got out of the shower I was actually cold... as opposed to sweating the second I got out haha (summer here can get quite intense) Even sitting in bed now my arms and feet and nose are cold... which also reminds me of Ruth and Tara for some reason.. heaters, fuzzy blankets, movies and chai lattes in aparments 36 and 1. 

It's just funny though, cause I associate all of this with Christmas and even further, people, places and things that I have experienced during that season at home.. I told this to a girl from the dominican republic tonight and she had no idea how I felt cause the weather is always the same there... which was also strange.. but made me feel very proud and lucky to be from Canada and able to experience all the things I have. All this makes me so happy.. and got me thinking about the season of life I'm in right now..

I feel like I am beginning a new season. I'm not really sure why or what it is.. but it just feels different. You know when you're in a season and its either really crappy or really good then one day its like BAM and out of nowhere its gone? Well I do.. and I'm happy to say mine has went from bad to good about a week ago. For the past three months I have been struggling with purpose and meaning for being where I am, whether I should be here and what I should be doing here. I have looked for a new place to live over and over, and a job even more. I have been more up and down than I think I have ever been and changed my hair color way too much for my own good. (johnny can testify) But now I am FINALLY at peace with all that. I know why I'm here and even though I don't know every detail, I feel like I am in the right place at the right time going in the right direction. I have found satisfaction in NOT knowing the reason and future for everything. I actually enjoy the place I am living, and even though I am not making as much money as I would like YET... I do have a couple small jobs.. and am very close to being hired/considered for a few more jobs. My hair color is still disastrous.. but I'm so over it. haha. It's funny how much life can change if you just change your attitude and perspective on life. As soon as I started letting others help me and joined them in speaking good things on my life, my circumstances turned around completely. I have a new trust in God and for the millionth time He has shown me how great His love is for me. He has also put a desire to help others in my heart and showing me that I really do have something to give that can change the world. Colour Conference actually was the start of all of this and because of it the nudge has become a shove and I'm ready to start doing things! I have realized the greatness the good Lord has placed in me and I'm ready to use it!!! 

the pictures to prove it

on the road again..

rent-a-car.. before the crash.. poor thing didn't even see it coming

ahhh...

sheeeep!

one true friend that is always there.

alright fine I'll do it

ok. so i'll tell you about new zealand. but no judging. :) i thought since alot happened i would just throw some point form action out there.. so this post isn't a hundred pages long. here we go.

DAY ONE

- went to bed really late, and as predicted woke up at the exact time I was supposed to leave to Rhona's so she could drive me to the nearest train station. decided in the end to drive myself to the airport, got there early.

- realized I had to book long term airport parking a day before, sent Ro a text asking to pretty please pick up my car asap. (and she did along with a few wonderful others)

- checked in, or tried to, but had to wait cause they "weren't sure"  (I had ten days before my student visa and expired and they were afraid I was going to try and come back without a visa.. which couldn't have happened.. but whatever.) let me through anyways.

- waited and waited. got a coffee. received a million texts from people that somehow already knew my situation and had a laugh at my expense. 

- exchanged some money.. new zealand cash is soo pretty. pastels make me happy. bought the next shopaholic book. it cheered me up. got on the plane.

- had the best flight ever. got to choose my own movie and was served a feast. tried not to laugh at the old guy beside me dancing and singing along to mamma mia. 

- got off the plane and got baggage in perfect time to catch a shuttle to my sweet hotel. was instantly taken in by how clear and colorful and beautiful New Zealand was. feeling very happy and peaceful. and noticed my phone didn't work. AT ALL. 

- got to my hotel. everything is so modern and trendy. My room is the coolest hotel room i've ever seen. went for a walk, applied for visa, got some food and relaxed in my room for the night. 

- spent some very much needed time with God. He placed dreams in my heart for dance ministry and I realized that the bible is the most precious gift of all time.

- felt like I was on top of the world, everything was going my way and was very confident and happy. 

DAY TWO

- woke up just in time to shower and check out of hotel. went and picked up my rent-a-car, grabbed a starbucks and met Andre.. (one of shallons friends) then headed out to Lake Tekapo. 

- had a wonderful two hour scenic drive. talked to myself alot. got to a beautiful beach. realized I had been driving in the opposite direction of where I wanted to go for two hours. took some pictures and drove back. 

- made it back to Christchurch to ask Andre for better directions. tried turning off a one way street and got hit by another car coming up behind me. because I didn't know it was a one way street. apologized, then freaked out and balled like a baby when I realized I didn't have insurance. Laughed at myself when I remembered the way I screamed when she hit me. refused graciously to a male witness who asked me if I wanted to come over for a cup of tea. laughed and cried for another 20 minutes.

- went back to base to tell Andre. held back tears the whole time. smiled because he cheered me up and was really helpful. smiled inside because I felt loved even though I had screwed everything up.

- found out my dad was engaged. 

- found out my visa was approved!

- Andre hooked me up with a room there for the night since I couldn't make it to my other hostel. met a nice english girl. went to bed with a very sore head and neck. fell asleep crying.

DAY THREE

- woke up again just in time to get packed up and move on to my next hostel. took the rent-a- car in. owner took it very well (then again HE didn't have to pay anything, so why wouldn't he be happy) and since the car was still drivable, he let me take it again. 

- felt sick every time I got in the car so went and had a nice breakfast and read shopaholic to make me feel better. 

- made sure I was going the RIGHT way and headed off to Lake Tekapo once again. Saw way too many sheep and drove through the clouds. talked to myself more. felt like I was going a bit crazy. even made a song up about sheep. vowed to never take a roadtrip alone again.

- arrived at the Lake stunned at its beauty and couldn't do anything but just sit there and stare. and take pictures (that don't do it justice by the way)

- tried to make it to the mountains but realized I would not make it back to check in to my hostel. got mad at myself for being stupid and crashing my car the day before. turned back reluctantly and took lots of pictures on the way home. 

- almost ran out of gas in my race to make it back before 10. found an open gas station and made it back minutes before they closed for the night. 

- checked in to the YMCA which looked and smelled more like a retirement home than a hostel. was hungry but felt too bad about money I owed for crashing the car so didn't eat. 

- read my bible and wrote down pages of notes in my journal on why I suck at life, how I can improve and all the things God taught me while I was in New Zealand. 

- went to sleep feeling forgiven and had a better outlook on life. 

DAY FOUR

- woke up early, checked out and took a stroll downtown to get a coffee and take some pictures. went to Andre's for "breakfast" but him and his brother ended up taking me to get ice cream and do more sightseeing before I had to leave. laughed the whole time. was ready to leave, but didn't want to after hanging out with them. almost cried when he hugged me goodbye. and almost cried now thinking about it. there is just something about some people that makes you want to cry and tell them all your problems. and if it weren't for him, I don't know what I would have done when that trip turned sour. Realized why my sister loves him so much :)

- headed back, got dropped off at the airport, was relieved to be back at the airport. thought it was weird how much I love being in airports. checked in, had the worst shake of my life, accidently ripped a chunk of hair out and boarded the plane.

- got seated by another, slightly larger older man. had to pay for my meal. no movie. read my shopaholic book for the entire three hour flight. 

- landed, was soo happy to be back in sydney. got made fun of for being canadian. quarantine guy wondering if I was carrying maple syrup? laughed but really wanted to tell him that you shouldn't wear knee socks with sandals. 

- took the train home, had to stand with my bags halfway. tried to sit down but lady wouldn't move over. wondered if anyone on the train had respect or common sense. tried not to laugh out loud when I replayed my struggle to get into my seat in my head. along with my whole trip. 

- was so happy to see daniel and brad pull up at the train station to take me home! made them feel sorry for me the whole way home. decided to wait until tomorrow to tell everyone that i was home and to tell dad about the car. made myself feel better by having a shower, getting sushi and and chocolate. watched the holiday until I fell asleep. 

overall.. it was a good/bad trip. I did have the best time and now consider it the most beautiful place I've ever been too. (thats not hard cause I haven't traveled much.. but still) I definitely recommend going, especially if you just wanna chill out in nature. I learned alot about myself and what it means to be responsible, along with many, many other things. But I think it was good for me to go on a trip myself and learn things like that. It was nice to be alone when I wanted to be and just listen and hear God without all the background noise. And the funny thing is, no matter how hard I tried, or had bad I made myself sound to Him, I never once felt like He was mad or angry or disappointed in me. All I could feel was love and laughter from His end. So I guess I my favorite part was getting to know my creator even better and loving Him even more. (and finding out for myself that He really does love the way He says He does.) 

I did find that I was more outgoing and brave than I thought I was... and yes I did cry alot.. as I thought... but it wasn't cause I was afraid, so thats a plus. I feel like I can travel and enjoy things alone and that maybe.. just maybe... I'm actually starting to grow up!

Hospital Beds

Ok so ALOT has been happening in this crazy life of mine.. and yes I realize I was supposed to fill you in about my New Zealand adventure.. but it honestly exhausts me just thinking about it. So this is just an 'inbetweener' until I feel up to it. Last week I had a lets say, "episode" where- to keep it short- I thought I had had a mini stroke. 

So I went to the doctor the next day cause I wasn't feeling better and she said to go to the ER to get a brain scan.. so I proceeded and they took me in. It was chaos at first and they were givin me all these tests.. and yes they made me get naked in OPEN BACKED hospital gown. so this nurse is hooking me up to machines and to my horror my very hot (male) doctor walks in. oh and my shirts down. naked. lovely. I was soo embarrassed and she's like oh its ok.. he's your doctor.. and I'm thinking.. yes that makes me feel much better. Then its his turn to check me over.. after his intern jabs me with a needle to take blood.. missing twice and getting blood EVERYWHERE. If that hasn't made you pass out yet this next part might. so he continues with his check and feels the need to check my stomach and asks "are you wearin knickers?" (he's english by the way.. and did i mention.. very good looking?) and i mutter yes nervously.. (later I realized that my underwear, hospital gown and toe nail polish all matched... and it made me feel a bit better.. plus I had just got my hair colored annndd shaved my legs that day.. so at least it wasn't too bad haha) 

 

After all that I waited and waited for my results and found it quite amusing being in the ER.. I felt like I was on an episode of grey's anatomy or something... all the while watching McDreamy walk by doing his rounds..ahh.. now if only my arm didn't hurt so bad this would all be worth while. Hours later he comes back with my results and regrets to inform me they are keeping me overnight. asssss iffff! I tried to be nice but I was not impressed.  I lost and they took me up to the ward where they keep all the girls with eating disorders.. nice.. make me feel worse about myself. Thankfully I have Milanna and she brought me some hungry jacks. Take that skinny girls!  

The rest is pretty boring.. it would have been ideal if I weren't freezing, didn't have a needle in my arm,  hear some random guy yelling "help me, I'm in so much pain, somebody help me" all night long, and if I didn't have to eat nasty hospital food. But they released me the next day after having an MRI (which was a pretty cool experience) because they couldn't find anything (praise Jesus!) so in the end it was all a waste of time. and I missed a dance rehearsal. and have a guy from the hospital trying to collect money from me. the good thing is that I am alive. I found out that even though my family is at home.. I have a family here who loves me! (enough to come visit with flowers and starbucks!) and God will take care of whatever happens next. ooo and dont worry I got some pictures! to my dismay the one I took of McDreamy did not turn out :(

I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of NZ

Well peoples, its 2:50 am and I leave to go to the airport in 3 hours... to fly to NEW ZEALAND!!! and instead of sleeping I am of course blogging. becaaauusssee... I thought it would be interesting to write down how I am feeling and what I plan on doing before I go.. then writing about how it ACTUALLY went down when I get home! yes I know.. I'm brilliant.. shhh. 

Soo the reason I am going is not for a vaca.. believe me, I do not need one. I need a break from my break.. which would be the equavalent of a JOB! yeeeahh.. i've been waiting for a job to pop up and instead I get to go to New Zealand hahaha. Its funny how things work out like that. Anywayss I am going to switch my student visa to a working/holiday visa.. so I can stay in the country. So it's all business.. butttt since I have to be there a couple days (you never know when they will process your visa) I thought I may as well try and do alittle sightseeing while I'm there! So I have been researching and plan to stick around Christchurch most of the time.. (where I'm flying in) and perhaps take a little tripsy to a place called Lake Tekapo.. and maybe the area where they filmed Lord of the Rings! who knows.. I have booked to stay in a cheap hotel, hostel and the good ol YMCA hahaha. so that should be an adventure! 

The kicker is I'm flyin solo.. and only know of one of Shallon's friends in the area.. which is grrreatt... cause you never know... but yeah.. it will be my first trip alone.. where I do pretty much everything.. you guessed it.. alone. So it will be interesting. I am actually freaking out and even cried earlier hahaha. It's so weird.. cause I really really love alone time and being alone.. but when you don't have the option of having a friend around its a different story. But I'm sure I'll meet lots of nice people.. and the Lord is always by my side :) 

Overall.. I expect to be alone. alot. which is good.. because I expect to hear from God and spend alot of good quality, much needed time with just Him. I expect to freak out on numerous occasions.. and prolly cry a couple times, to laugh at myself and look like a loner/freak.  I expect to meet alot of different people.. and to do alot of reading, writing and sightseeing. I expect to be excited, astounded and in awe of my surroundings.. cause if it is anything like the pictures... I'm in for a real treat. and don't worry.. I love taking pics so there will be lots.. and I'm takin "the arm" (christmas gift that you put your camera on and it extends) so I can be in some too! haha. Just pray for me! that I make a friend other than the arm.. and that me and my things don't get stolen. :) alright then.. here I go.. off to dreamland for a couple hours before I will hopefully not sleep through my alarm and miss my plane! talk to ya when I get back!

YOU GOTTA HAVE FAITH

you're taking a stroll in a park and you spot a million dollar bill just lying on the ground. you pick it up. and now you have a million dollars.

say out of nowhere one day, whether you need it or not, someone walks up to you and hands you a million dollars. 

now say you would really like a million dollars. you don't necessarily need it but could definitely use it. (i mean who couldn't use a million dollars) and it drops from the sky.

nowww say you are desperate for a million dollars. like, you are buying a business or something and you really need exactly a million dollars to buy it and get it off the ground. and you can't get a loan. and you had been praying and asking anddd begging God for the money. so you check your bank account and its all there the next day. 

nowwwwwww say it is crucial that you get a million dollars for some thing that.. well, costs a million dollars, and you have access to a million dollars... its not yours.. but say - your dad is a millionaire and he would easily lend you the money, not really caring if you ever paid him back. so you go to cash in and God stops you and says.. don't take it.. I will give you a million dollars. 

Ok. so you probably did this already.. but go back and read them and ask yourself how you would feel if that happened to you. and not just how you would feel, but how you would act and what you would do. (and not just what you would do with the money.)

now go back and read all those and take out the part where God gives you a million dollars. (oh by the way, in each situation, God gave you the money) How do you feel?

I couldn't sleep so I started thinking about faith. If you knew that in each of the situations that God was the reason you were a million dollars richer..what would your faith look like.. and how does it differ for each situation. I realized faith comes in all shapes and sizes. 

Blessings, miracles and gifts... all require faith. but its easy faith. cause you get the money first, then you can choose to believe. and you're pumped... then again at this point you would believe it grew on a tree if I told you that instead. 

Then it gets a bit harder. When you are desperate for something, whether it be money or a breakthrough or anything... most people are willing to go the lowest of the low in order to get what they need. And you say things like, 'God if you could only do this for me.' and 'well all I can do now is pray, God will take care of it' (keep in mind most people still freak out inside, even when they've 'given it to God') and then when He comes through all glory is to Him.... but if it weren't for all your asking and begging... i mean it was just a coincidence right?

Now that last one's a toughie. Not for God. But for you. This is the kind of faith that requires alot more than the others. Cause you don't NEED God's help... but He's telling you you should choose Him anyways. And the great thing about this one is that if it doesn't happen or you "heard wrong" then you still get the money and all is forgotten. right? mmm not really. cause the what if's eat away at you. you see.. i actually think in all these situations alot of people would blame God if they didn't get the money. and if you don't think it applies (and I'm sooo guilty of this) but think back if you have ever said 'ughh, if i only had a million dollars.'  now thats not directly blaming, but maybe complaining is just a form of blame? 

The promise is the same in every scenario. God can give you a million dollars. So the problem isn't God's faith. It's ours. And it's totally different every time. I'm battling with the last one right now. and its the hardest, cause sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't. That's the thing about faith though. It should be in GOD... not the 'million dollars'

Reign. of. Love.

In connect we were asked to 'name our year' just so we have something to make or expect of the year ahead. at first i was like how i am i supposed to know what my year is going to look like? but i thought.. why not? So at powerhouse retreat this summer, during worship, I asked God.. if there were one word you could give me right now, for my life what would it be? and the word 'love' dropped from the sky. that was it. plain and clear. love. and i was like uhh okkk. but after a couple weeks it finally started to come together. (long, semi-boring-for-you-story) so when it came to 'share' at connect (ooo my favorite part! not.) as I was listening to the others share (and not going through my own speech in my head at the same time) God spoke to my heart about this year being a very 'pastoral' type of year. and it clicked! thats where the love comes in. I never thought of myself as the 'pastor' type.. and i still dont.. but i'm warming to the idea. and i'm not talking about getting up in front of hundreds and preaching.. because my goal is to lead a dance ministry.. not a church haha. but I kinda figured that i'm better at the whole dance thing and not really the leader thing. so i spent the last year learning dance and all its glory... and now its time for the leadership part... which includes LOVING. people. no matter what. and i don't just mean homeless people. I mean normal great people that just because they aren't exactly like you or how you want them to be you have a problem with them and everything they do. 

its so silly but i recently saw the movie ghost town.. and i was absolutely out of control weeping in my car afterwards. I found an unmistakable likeness between myself and the main character. and if you have seen the movie.. thats a very disturbing thing. lets just say i was shocked and felt like i was NOT worthy of living. and please still be my friend. its hard to explain.. and its not like i'm horrible.. but i can be. and that was definitely a wake up call from the J man. Thankfully He loves all of us (even me) no matter what.. now if only i could catch a bit of that and reciprocate it. well thats where all this mushes together. I'm getting help. Jesus help. and its nice :) and i'm trying (most of the time haha) to love better. and who knows.. maybe after i pass that one.. a different kind of love will come along... heyyyy? the Lord works in mysterious ways ;) ooo sidenote/endnote/speaking of.. i saw he's just not that into you anddd am now reading the book.. will discuss at a later time. 

LOVE, me*

movie critique of the week

So I just had this great idea that I would 'commit' to watching a movie a week... then telling you about it. I know soo interesting right? wrong. but I don't care cause I'm gonna do it anyways. Just because I love movies and I always like to hear real opinions on them... and its also a good way to get me blogging regularly. I'm not very good at sticking with things.. or getting inspired with blogs.. so this will hopefully keep the juices flowing. Ok and i'm not sure I will do it weekly.. but I would like to. I would like to have a place in my budget for "weekly movie" but I can't see that happening. donations are welcome. 

I've seen alot of movies over the summer so I will just choose randomly.. 

#1 TWILIGHT (just cause I saw it tonight and it is fresh in my mind)

before: a bit nervous because I had heard different things.. I was expecting a scary love story.. with no sex scenes.. "very clean" and more emotional feelings than physical?

during: it went up and down. I felt interested and intrigued through most of it.. never really know what's going to happen which is always a fun game haha. Ok and I'm so not pro but I did not enjoy the blue lense.. it was good for the movie but personally I like people tanned.. but ok ok i get they are white cause they are vampires! still.. ew. umm there were parts where I felt.. lets just say- enticed.. and that if i were with my parents I may have blushed hahah. (or maybe thats because near the end I felt something on my arm rest and turns out I was feeling some persons sock foot in the chair behind me.. nasty! its called an arm rest people! NOT a foot rest! and they didn't even move it after I fondled it for a while.. soo weird. lets just say I got out of there quickly afterward) 

after: all in all.. I LOVED IT.  anddd its a good thing I don't have a boyfriend.. cause dang.. it would be dangerous to see that movie with your special someone.. unless you could do something about it after... I'm JUST saying. luckily I am into the purity scene and love Jesus :) but it was clean.. and tasteful.. but very emotional.. for a teeny love story type movie. and I dont wanna ruin any of it incase you haven't seen it.. but I have a new found love for vampires now. and no not just cause Edward is a hottie.. ;) 

last words: I'm glad I caved.. I'm so sold.. sign me up for 2, 3 and 4! It put a new twist on a love story. which is BEYOND refreshing. buttt even though the books are said to be better.. I wouldn't go there myself.. lets just say its a wiser choice for single ladies hahaha. 

I bet if Jesus were still alive.. he'd have an iphone

"don't worry my child. some day you too will have an iphone."

(inspiration for the iphone)

"People! if you would only wait.. I will get you each an iphone! Now just hand me that bread.."

" I love you, but I love my iphone more."

in the beginning... God created the IPHONE

 forgive me. its five a.m. on tuesday morn.. and I am awake because I just had a nightmare. So I thought.. what can I do to take my mind off it so I can stop freaking out at EVERY sound, peering through darkness cause I 'swore I saw something' and wondering if the dream is real and there is someone in my house trying to kill me or if I'm still dreaming. BLOG.

 I blame horror films. It's like- is it really natural instinct to keep my eyes open at all times in the shower, or never look away from the mirror just incase someone creeps up behind me? I get so annoyed in scary movies when they blow it with one of those. too easy. when you're alone.. you don't close your eyes! ever. you can barely blink. like me right now.. you should see my eyes.. wide open. I learned my lesson young.. when our babysitter let us watch (or in my case gave me no choice) childs play.. and edward scissorhands.. which ok isn't THAT bad.. but it is for a 5 year old! ok so i'm a tad bitter.. but its only because I spent most of my childhood imagining chucky the red head doll walking towards my bed with a knife. haha how sick is that. yet I still watch movies like that! so really its my own fault that I have dreams like this. and everytime I promise myself never again.. but I just wanna know what happens to them! 

Anyways, this all makes me wonder about fear. It's been an good hour since I woke up and I'm starting to feel like its OK to go back to sleep. I wonder if there is a time limit where if and when you go back to sleep, the dream is continued or you start a new one. And like what happened in the last hour that made me unafraid again? was it me saying 2 timothy 1:7 over and over? or turning the light on? or keeping my mind busy? or simply just letting myself stay conscious long enough to realize it was JUST a dream. i dont know. the part i think is funny and alittle weird is when I woke up. who decides that?! and I woke up so peaceful like all the sudden my eyes were open and i was calm and freaking scared looking around the room. there was no gasp.. and i didn't suddenly sit up in bed. Thats what freaks me out the most. is that maybe there was a reason i woke up.. was it God? did I actually hear something? and then there's the.. well maybe I'm supposed to pray for someone... or grab a weapon and end up being a hero in this huge house of 12 girls! haha. funny. ok this is going no where.. but it honestly did help me. I mean the thoughts are still there.. but less real. and my eyes are sore again so I think I can go back to sleep. 

All I can say is thank goodness my precious (iphone) was right beside me through it all. it is my flashlight, my bible, my music, my clock, distraction and best of all.. it will put me back to sleep with the sounds of "gentle ocean" and a nice soft light that changes every couple seconds. (heaven sent people) lullaby's are old school anyways. plus i dont think my roomie would be very happy if i woke her up to sing me one. especially since I already woke her up with the sound of my computer turning on.. and since then she has rolled over three times, and "subconsciously" looked and her watch and opened her eyes. It prolly doesn't help that I am typing (no need to comment shallon) and have a small light on. oh and every once in a while I laugh out loud cause I am a crazy person. you said it not me. haha ok.. enough.. I'm gonna risk falling back asleep. ok of course that just happened. something just fell or moved in the other room and made a really loud noise. dangit! I literally sat here pierced with fear for like a minute. dont worry my eyes were wide open! why does that crap happen!? ok so I'm now at the point where I'm like 'well, if i'm gonna die I'm gonna die.' I would rather it be doing something i love. sleeping :) 

*if I die.. I want my iphone to go to some kid that won't appreciate it. cause no one will love it like I did. do?